Let There be Blog!

Candy Corn

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 02:49:00 -0400

Well, Happy Fall-tivities everyone! We are approaching the treasured “Fall Solstice” (Yes, I am aware that there is a fall equinox which was Sept. 22.) I am referring to the fall solstice, where we will dress up as our best Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze and other celebrity zombies, or skimpy harlot versions of our favorite childhood cartoon characters. That’s right folks I’m referring to HALLOWEEN!

But I would like to address something different today; the oddity that is Candy Corn. This season, whether you absolutely love it or your teeth shake with fear and your stomach rises, you must and will face, if you haven’t already, the waxy icon that shimmers white, orange and yellow.

There is really little actually known about the this candy. The main facts are that they were made by some dude 120 years ago. He was also probably the first person to die from diabetes. A victim of his own candied creation.

…OR that’s what they’ll tell you! Legend tells that this man stole the recipe from Native American witch doctors that would use Candy Corn to raise dogs and cats from the dead in order to protect their people from rodents with the hantavirus.

They called it “Canoco Maize,” which in navajo means “pointy corn that is striped.”

They would also use them as an alternative to arrowheads to give their enemies instant diabetes in battle.

After the recipe was stole by the white man, witch doctors cursed white men to generations of obesity and cavities. And here we are today!

There are three parts to the Candy Corn

The Corn - the brain or crown of the candy. It is the source of all it’s savory power
The Candy Center - where are all the sugar neutrons are stored
The Tip - the window into the candy’s true colors (which is a glazed slightly transparent white)

(if you can’t see the image, click here)

Now there are many many ways to eat candy corn, with different results as well. I took it upon myself to test every possible scenario of candy corn eating and binging.
(And trust me, it only took me about 7 pieces until I wanted to chug down a bottle of pepto mixed with mouthwash and baking soda.)

These were the results of the test:

(if you can’t see the image, click here)

As you can see there more that 33 possible scenarios, mutiplied over and over by stomach-aching repetition.

So that’s Candy Corn for you. And it doesn’t matter how many times you let burned, you’ll do it all over again this time ever year.

Happy Candy Corning to you!

Thaiku

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 01:06:00 -0400

BAMB! ZIP! POW!

Let There Blog is back with fiery vengeance! With new passions to burn into your retinas!

I have returned The Far East. Where I have learned the ways of the Thai. I can talk or write about my travels for days upon days upon weeks upon years… But upon my enlightening experiences, the best way, the only way, to tell you what I have experienced is through THAIKU.

Yes that is right! Thaikus are my Haikus about the Kingdom of Thailand. But it is truly best and wise for you to indulge my proverbs through AUDIO form. That right, AUDIO! So either read on, or feed your ears my delicious words that would charm a fire breathing Griffon to a restful purr.

Right-Click Here to save the audio or just click it to listen

THAIKUS
by Michael Sanders©

One Night in Bangkok
Where Swooning over Swine Flu
becomes summer breeze

Thailand loves their king
Like the Sloth bear eats honey
Blamelessly content

Jungles cover walls
Elephants eat bananas
Burning Thai Massage

Rice and Thai Noodles
Go down like soft rose peddles
My insides rebuke

Geckos sing their praise
Eating mosquitos swiftly
Die you bug demons

Children crave english
Like Americans eat food
Sweet delicious food

Dollars can go far
Like Monkeys throw sugar dung
Cheap and good for laughs

The pit of Buddah
Removed from peach of reason
God Bless the mango

Canvas phanny packs
Burn to the bodies of man
Tourist lemon funk

Refugees party
Fireworks in squatty pots
Dance like herbs in breeze

Dogs control the streets
meep meep! Move off the road dog!
Here comes the tut tut

The Burmese Army
SPDC punk @sses
Go Swine Flu yourself

Airplane screaming child
Sleep like wise bonsai tree
And shut your face please

Tunic sensation
Woven by spider angels
Tight across my chest

FMSIPA selections

Mon, 18 May 2009 16:14:55 -0400

Introducing The First Class of the Future Michael Sanders Internship Program of America! We have:

Carl Spiess
Andress Boggs
Brandon Buckner
Tara Barone
Ryan Spilhaus
Abigail Gustine
Alex Witherow
Amanda Foster
Kent Walter
Claudia DeVuono (not pictured)

Let There Be Pickling

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 02:00:57 -0400

It is well known fact that I am not the sharpest cutlery the kitchen. It took 22 years of my life to figure out how to use the stove and boil something. I hope to one day know how to use a skillet, but one thing at a time please.

But I am an idea man. I know how to start something and run with it.

I bet you I could PICKLE! Doesn’t seem to hard right? All you need is water, salt, vinegar, a big jar, and the patience of an wise old soul.

It is not fair that Pickles, or should I say “Pickled Cucumbers,” get the sole credit and title of “Pickle” when there are many things that can be pickled, or should I say, could be pickled!

So…

Starting every 3rd week of all months that have 31 days, I will be leaving work early to run my own Pickled Fruit stand on the side route 7 in Alexandria. We will start slow with only pickled grapes and pickled bananas, but hope to get to pickling Strawberries, Pairs, and Papayas soon after. You haven’t live until you’ve had a piping hot Pickled Papaya.

Don’t like the pickled products? Fine, try this one on for size!

On every 2nd and 3rd Wednesday night of the summer months my Pickled Fruit stand will roast candy in a portable wood stove. Roasting mallows is a thing of a primitive past. The new trend will be slow cooking Starburst, Tootsie Rolls, Circus Peanuts, and Cow Tails over a semi open fire.

It will called Michael’s Pickle-Fru and Roasted Sweets Stand. Prices will be extremely economical and for every 20 pounds of fruit and sweets sold, Michael will give a dollar to a fund that builds public fire pits for the homeless.

I am taking volunteers to help donate candy and fruit produce.
Any fruit basket donated, will be solely used for pickling (and the basket will be broken down for the fire.)

Note: there will be no apple pickling. All donated apples will be eaten on site.

Blogged!

Internship UPDATE!

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 02:09:31 -0400

Hello to all my Future MICHAEL SANDERS Applacants!

I have uploaded a Word Doc for all you people that cannot connect to me in person or FAX the pdf applacation. Tisk tisk.

So, please download the Doc, fill it out and send me a la email. (I’m looking at you Seattle!)

The Deadline is soon, but I cannot tell you when OR how, but you will know in time my little minions.

FUTURE MICHAELS word doc!

Email me at mjsanders83@gmail.com AND STEP ON IT!

Internship (Phase 3)

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 03:10:00 -0400

It’s Spring again! And you know what that means…Summer follows Spring! Hooray for Summer! Spring means planning for Summer. Summer beats Spring like Rock beats Scissor (and that is another entry, another time.) But there’s two things I’ve noticed in the spring air as of late; one, many people are out of work, and two, springtime means many young adults and college students are looking for summer jobs or internships. Well I have conjured a brilliant program that will not just strongly benefit the listed persons above, but will help usher in a new great Phase in the Michael Sanders Empire!

If you have not become familiar with my last Phases yet, I would urge you to do some reading on the Tower and the Corner before moving on.

All caught up? Great. Moving on.

Introducing, The Future Michael Sanders Internship Program of America!

Yes, you heard correctly. Follow his every footsteps and gain the knowledge you could never get at a liberal arts college or a fluorescent burnt cubicle. Become a master in design, innovation, invention, and ideation! Feel the winds of creativeness flow through your hair on that Sunday cruise to opportunity. Roost in the Crow’s Nest and keep watch as Michael sleeps. Get deep down in the muck with him as he battles managing multiple clients, a full time job, multiple side project businesses, and a girlfriend.

“What will I learn,” you ask? The real question is, what will you not? Among learning creative writing techniques, dance moves, fight dance poses, and how to not die in a fight with a bear, you will ultimately learn about yourself.

There will be 15 spots and as of now the program is a non-paying internship. But that is if you don’t count staying in the Tower all summer long as payment of course!

Lodging is provided and required. All Future Michael’s will sleep on Michael’s extremely comfortable floor (It’s lined with sheep’s skin and smells like the beard of a wise sherpa chewing on oak leaves.) As for food, fend for yourselves.

Here’s an EXAMPLE of the average day of the Future Michael:

7:00AM: Wake Up! (But don’t wake Michael just yet) Start the day off right by journaling out your dreams from the sleep to which you once belonged.
7:15AM: Work out outdoors in the yard. Move stones, balance on logs, etc.
8:30 AM: Sprint to the the Starbucks on the waterfront (only 1.5 miles) and pick up one of their blueberry croissants (toast them please) and a large white mocha latté with skim milk, light foam.
9:00AM: Wake Michael with a joyful song and his blueberry croissant and white mocha latté.
9:40AM: 5 rotated Future Michael’s will run help run the Corner’s Daily business.
9:45AM: The remainder will leave for the office with Michael. All must fit into one car. It is mandatory. For the HOV.
10:30AM: The office work day begins. Each Future Michael is assigned specific tasks like coffee runner, copier boy/girl, pre-press monkey, email screener, number cruncher, funny youtube video finder, Rock Band set up crew, bookie and look out. Each FMer will responsible to write down and later recite funny things Michael says throughout the work day.
12:30PM: One intern will go out and pick up Chipotle for the crew. Their treat.
1:30PM: Nap time.
2:30PM: Back to work.
3:30PM: Razor Scooter circuit races through the building.
4:00PM: Leave work.
4:45PM: Tandem Bicycle ride through Old Town while handing out random literature found in the back of used bookstores
6:00PM: All FMers meet back at the Tower for food, fun, and fellowship and a large delicious spaghetti dinner by Michael’s girlfriend. *NOTE* Starting up a game of “cup/slap/pass” or “big booty” will result in being terminated from the program.
7:00PM: Practice carpentry.
8:00PM: The Future Michaels practice their fight dancing skills until the sun goes down.
9:00PM: Michael leads the group on a blindfolded trust wake through a dodgy randomly selected neighborhood.
10:00PM: All will curl up on the den floor and practice our creative writing and read each others stories out loud.
11:00PM: Freestyle dance competition followed my Michael’s coveted lessons and secrets on cutting the rug.
12:00AM: Hostile take over drill! Everyone fortifies the Tower and heads to the Situation Room to discuss Tornado, Zombie, and Terror scenarios.
1:00AM: FMers practice Stealth techniques running from roof top to roof top in the city.
3:00AM: Everyone heads back to the Tower for warm glasses of Milk before bed.
3:15AM: Lights out!

Other Events may include:

Skydiving
Bear taming & Camping trip
Digging a well
Marketing and design fair
A mock trial
Horseback riding
Writing a penpal
Hunting wild game out of season
Art Expo
A recital

So I hope everyone will consider this as an option for their summer. The program is pulsating with opportunity!

I have uploaded a PDF of the application. Make sure you fill in every single detail. I expect to receive applicants in the hundreds, so please mail or email it back to me in a timely manner. Thanks!

Right Click this bad boy here to download the PDF

In-the-mean-Time Capsules

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 01:24:00 -0500

I’ve always wondered what it might be like to have a time capsule. But honestly, in this fast day and age who has the time or patience to find that 20 to 50 year old box in the cold, hard ground filled with marbles and newspaper clippings? I don’t, that’s who! But the idea still intrigues me immensely. That’s why I propose the idea of weekly time capsules or what I’d like to call In-the-mean-Time Capsules.

Yes, In-the-mean-Time Capsules. Bury your stuff that is momentarily meaningless to you, but in a week will be like lost treasure to you!

It is important to put things in the capsule you would think you go without for just a about a week or so.

Items I’d put in my In-the-mean-Time Capsule, and so should you:
1. An extra par of keys.
2. Watched Netflix DVDs. You’d probably wait a week to mail them back anyway.
3. Chapstick. It’s small, it’s cheap, it’s too perfect to not be in this.
4. A new roll of Toilet paper.
5. Gum.
6. A bag of your favorite of chips (fun size preferred).
7. A clean pair of clothes. Bank on the fact you’ll be neck deep in dirty laundry, with nothing to wear.
8. Peanut Butter - Also would work well a 50 year capsule as well. (sorry TB)
9. Your checkbook - This will keep one from burying the capsule in some common place. The Capsule is worth the risk!
10. Coupons! - One would be so excited, they’d go straight to the grocery store to shop and save.
11. Left-overs from a hearty meal. (Tread carefully on this one)
12. Bills - This one you’ll actually love burying, but not digging up.
13. That funny list or inside joke you scribbled onto a napkin. In a normal time capsule, one would not remember the story, but after being a week in the ground, barrels of laughter will fill your insides again.
14. A can of your favorite soup. (I like Campbell’s Chunky Noodle).
15. Smokes. Then someone can say, “Congratulations! You’ve gone a week without smoking, now move them from the capsule to the trash.” If you go a week then you can go the rest of your life without them.
16. A jump drive. Make sure to put some important papers or files on it as well.
17. Concert Tickets or Wedding Invitations.
18. A squirt gun. No reason; they’re just awesome.
19. The iPhone. Think of this one like fasting; it’s honestly the only way to keep it in the ground.
20. And lastly, a stop watch.

SO there you have it. This what I’d put in the ground.

Cake Versus Pie!

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 02:13:00 -0500

Among the world’s greatest rivalries in History, like Pirates and Ninjas, Coke and Pepsi, USA and USSR,etc., there is a great rivalry that needs no other introduction. Everyone knows about the Cold War, but what about the “Warm War” also known as the Dessert War. I speak about cake and pie.

Cake verses Pie!
When the dinner tables become divided,
on the dawn of dessert,
When the bakery becomes a battlefield.
Sugar is torn in two.
Flower and Eggs on one side,
Fruit and Crust to the other.
CAKE VERSUS PIE!
Moist versus moist-er.
Everyone must choose a side.

But it wasn’t always like this. There was a time when Pie and Cake came from the same oven. They sat next to each other in the Baker’s display case. Until one day someone came between them. Cheesecake.

What is Cheesecake? Is it a pie? Or is it a cake? Most people assumed it was cake, but Pie thought differently. After a few bitter and tense years, Pie decided to make a stand against Cake.

These are some of the transcripts of how that fateful day when down:

Pie: “Cake! Cake! Get out here! This is a formal demand that you surrender the rights, you think you may have, on Cheesecake!”
Cake: “Well, well, well…If it isn’t my arch rival, Pie. Feeling a little less delicious and desired these days?”
Pie: “I’ve come to take back what is rightfully ours.”
Cake: “Well, you know, I can do that. Cheesecake has always been called a cake.”
Pie: “Don’t you look at me with that condescending frosted smile. Cheesecake is nothing but pie and you know it! Just hand him over and things won’t get messy.”
Brownie and Cookie: “What are you guys doing?!? Don’t do this!”
Pie: “Get back in your display case, little ones! You want nothing to do with this. It’s between me and the Cake.”
Cake: “Oh, why are you afraid they might chose the side of their fellow egg and flowered treat?”
Pie: “Don’t flatter yourself. You’re the only one that will be shedding crumbs tonight.”
Cake: “Yeah…in the mouth of a costumer! (That’s a Got’em)”
Pie: “The problem with you is that you think you’re so mighty and wanted with your ‘ice cream cake’ and your ‘wedding cake’, but I know you cry yourself to sleep at night, wishing you had more to offer than chocolate or regular. And we all know here that you are just sugared bread with frosting!”
Cake: “Shut your crust, Pie! You are so undeserving for serving.”
Pie: Nice one, did you read that in ‘sugared bread’ cookbook?”
Cake: Yeah ok, Pie, whatever. You just remember who you are when children eat their birthday cake, newly weds cut into their wedding cake, while crazy Uncle Joe will be biting into his Molasses Pie at the local Wafflehouse at 2 in the morning.”
Pie: “You say that, but don’t you forget apples, cherries, peaches, berries, pumpkins and a whole mess of fruit have my back!”
Cake: “Ummm…haven’t you Strawberry shortcake?”
Pie: “Yeah I have,…but I’ve also heard of FRUITCAKE. And we all know how that went!”
Cake: “How dare you bring that up!
Pie: Just hand over Cheesecake and we’ll all forget about your fruity fruitcake past.”
Cake: “Oh so you can call it Cheesepie? I don’t think so.”
Pie: “Then this means DESSERT WAR!”
Cake: “Prepare meet your Baker!”
Pie: “Remember the A La Mode!”

And so that’s how the great Dessert War started. And it’s been quietly raging everyday since.

To Be Continued….

25 Years

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 02:38:00 -0500

Today is my birthday. It is a large birthday for me; 25 years old (or young.) A third of my life is probably over. I look forward the great adventures, and exploits I will have in the future, but before I become that weathered and aged man with the eye patch, I wish to share with you the Legendary story of my life live so far in this quarter of a century.

I now present to you….
Twenty Five Years of Michael Sanders

Year One: According the accounts of his mother, Michael pointed to the moon in the sky and said his first word,”Sphere.” It was then assumed that this child would accomplish many deeds in his life to come.

Year Two: While other babies where crawling, or even walking, Michael scooted with his belly on the floor like the wise serpent.

Year Three: Michael scissor kicks his sister in the nose with his Cookie Monster Shoes in her Cabbage Patch tent. When he was spanked by his father, Michael only sheds two tears for the pain caused to the Cookie Monsters on his left and right foot.

Year Four: During the family’s pilgrimage to the land of Disney, Michael gets his head stuck in some bars in front of a pond at the Disneyland Hotel. When asked why we was crying, Michael said he was grieving for the wrongful imprisonment of the rare Shubunkin Goldfish.

Year Five: Michael fights, tames, and rides his first mountain lion. He names him Brandon. He then spends the majority of the year racing him on BMX tracks.

Year Six: The Sanders family purchases their first trampoline, where Michael starts his rigorous training in “Fight and Dance.”

Year Seven: Michael joins his first church gang, the “Coyotes.” They roam surrounding arroyos and gullies playing games like poke the rattlesnake.

Year Eight: While other children are playing with their toys, Michael is busy running extensive tests on his own action figures in feats of burial, freezing in water, flight, theater, and of course limb-to-limb transplants.

Year Nine: While the legend of Michael was quickly brewing at school, he was suddenly exiled to a new school were he was subjected to the bondage of a bi-lingual class. In defiance, Michael refused to learn such nonsense, so the evil Mrs. Sanchez made an example of him, with public ridicule, slander, extra work, and sending him to “resource” twice a week for “help.” Michael survived. Mrs. Sanchez did not; she passed a few years later of a blackened heart. ( jk, jk -but she did die though R.I.P.)

Year Ten: Michael makes his mighty return to his old school and is greeted with children waving cactus blossoms. He becomes the 4th grade class’s Barron of Stuffed Animal Friday, in which he’s given the task of assigning other students with what stuffed animal to take home for the weekend. (Secretly Michael picks all the cool stuffed animals for himself and puts them in cage matches with his own stuffed animals and/or his mountain lion, Brandon.)

Year Eleven: Michael takes his Walkabout through the New Mexican high desert to become a Man, where he learns about Earth, Wind, Water and Fire. Upon his return he learns that his dear mountain lion ally, Brandon, has fallen ill and passed. In his sorrow and despair, Michael is greeted by a young mammoth of a mammal, the mighty and legendary MOOSE. They became a new supreme alliance. So it is written.

Year Twelve: Michael becomes a kingpin on the playground. As a master in marbles, dodgeball, pogs, 4-square, kickball, and Nurf football, he leads other 6th graders in great feats and endeavors. Michael is also involuntarily enrolled into the Awanas program at church. While others are rewarded with badges, trophies, and other awards for scripture memory, he gets a pack of pencils for his “Excellence in Participation” during game time.

Year Thirteen: Michael arrives. He is granted excess into the world of the “Youth Group”, as well as the mutinous realm, they call “Middle School.” Michael also notices a striking change in the world; he discovers “Girls!” Michael also joins up with in his school’s elite society called “Falcon Football.” They become city champions going 6-0. In rebellion, or out of pure randomness, Michael dies his hair blood red. By his hispanic football comrades, he is titled “Joto Hair” ( pronounced “ho-toe”, meaning gay man’s hair in spanish.) But Michael laughs last.

Year Fourteen: Michael discovers what is like to like “descent” music and develops an appetite for Punk Rock, and his life is changed forever. Michael starts to snowboard, but in reverse counterculture, decides that skiing is far superior and continues to destroy ski trails near and abroad.

Michael’s world is turned UPSIDE DOWN when he learns that his father will be moving the tribe to the far and distant land unknown to all New Mexicans, the land of Virginia. Michael knows then that he will have to leave his home, where he worked so hard to establish his household name.

Year Fifteen: Now a Virginian, Michael begins high school, and starts this new life at the bottom, as a mere unknown foot soldier forced into the feudal “Courtland Football” institution. They go 0-10. Despite the dreaded imprisonment of high school, Michael befriended several life long allies, such as Mr. Morrow, Mr. Hogan, and the Stone Brothers. They would lay the ground work for a union of Fury and Fire, known as the Boyz (or known now as the Fredericksburg Crew)

Year Sixteen: The Boyz run amuck, bush bombing, pillaging, kidnapping, saving damsels, and performing “Aquatic Drive-By’s” in Mr. Hogan’s speedy chariot known as “The Sundance.”

Year Seventeen: Michael and the Boyz decide to make an avant garde indie film company known only as “Ishbu Productions.” They would, of course, be so far ahead of the times that none of their films would make it to the masses because outlets such as Youtube were not yet in existence. It was also in this year, Michael and some of the crew formed the short lived, mythically legendary Punk band called SCAPEGOAT. They played only a handful of shows, a dozen songs, and would go down in musical infamy.

Year Eighteen: Michael finally does his time, and graduates from high school. After turning down multiple scholarships and invites to Ivy Leagues schools, Michael points his sword to the school of Champions, known as Liberty University. He then joins other comrades in the Champion’s legion to be bred to seek and destroy for Christ. The Boyz become known as the Fredericksburg Crew, once and for all.

Year Nineteen: The dark year. Michael’s father passed later in that year. Michael becomes the sole male heir to the Sanders name. We will do his father proud.

Year Twenty: In the wake of the dark time, Michael bounces back in full force. Michael grows stronger physically and mentally. While conquering with an Iron First (which he learned while taking a semester of Karate. Orange Belt; Don’t mess,) Michael finds himself finding his fiery trade in graphic design. He then travels to far ends of the country seeking knowledge and strength via internships and vacation. While on his stay in a distant paradise, he receives a message that his old mammoth of mammal, MOOSE, has died of a big heart (he also had heart warms.) The Boyz back home conducted the burial.

Year Twenty One: Michael graduates from Man to All-Man, by wrestling a rabid brown bear on the top of a school bus full of blind children for three days. Michael and the bear finally declared it a truce, hug it out, and share warm cups of Hazelnut Honey Tea and tell stories to the sightless children.

Year Twenty Two: One summer’s day, on a hike in the Blue Ridge Mountains, Michael stumbles upon several golden tablets in the shape of vinyl records. On the tablets are the specific instructions on how to make the perfect dance mixes. With this information, Michael starts throwing the greatest dance parties of all time.

Year Twenty Three: Michael begins to work for the University by aiding and advising the Student Funtivities Department in such undertakings as the Worlds Largest Helium-Balloon-Animal parties, bi-monthly white elephant gift exchanges, and seven Family Force Five concerts. As well as aiding the department in events, Michael produces and enforces the Graphic Design and Promotional Coolness and Standards Act (GDPCSA) to keep sucky posters off the University’s walls.

Year Twenty Four: Michael graduates and gives a final farewell to the City of Seven Hills and moves his headquarters to the far North of the Commonwealth. He then sets up camp in the city which lies on the cusp of the capitol, which they call Alexandria, (That’s Greek for land of Alexander the Great.) After establishing his stay in the towering palace, many know as the “Tower,” Michael hunts for a job like a starving great wolf stalking a wounded doe. He becomes a “hired gun” of a designer to scrape by.

Year Twenty Five: Michael finds his place. While beginning a job as an elite and inspired creative force in a powerful church, Michael sets his mind and will to laying the foundations to a glorious empire. An empire starting off simple, which will grow to such a magnitude, few will truly be able to comprehend it. He wagers that there will be 12 Phases to the empire, which will only be interpreted and relayed through the majesties and the ramblings of a simple blog, from a complex mind.

And so, it is written; 25 Years under the large leathery belt of Michael J. Sanders.

Halloween: My Thoughts on the Matter.

Fri, 31 Oct 2008 03:42:06 -0400

Werewolves, put away those sherpened claws and give your rival vampires a heart felt hug. Vampires, embrace your enemy Werewolf; don’t bite neck but kiss his cheek. For it is Halloween, and it’s time to carve that pumkin and fill it with Dots and Circus peanuts for all the visiting children.

Ladies, let’s not whore it up too much this year, ok? I’m pretty sure a nurse would not wear that on any hospital ward. I’m pretty sure Alice in Wonderland did look like an Atlantic City harlot. Men, let’s retire the Jason masks this time around. I’m thinking no really cares if strong silent typed Jason Vorhees will be after them this year. They’re probably more concerned that creepo with the glow-in-the-dark hockey mask working in that overpriced haunted “Terror Forrest” who rubbed against them and swiped their new iPhone G3.

This will be on a my wall, in my children’s home:

“As for our house, we Trick or Treat, not just settle for just a meastly Church fall festivals.”

I think if there was ever to be an actaul live action Nightmare Before Christmas, I think Michael Jackson should be Jack Skellington. Why? Because he is the actual King of Halloween town. Proof?

Neverland raunch = creepy = Halloween Town
Thriller
Neighter Jack nor Jacko have noses. Gamepoint and matc

OMG Ghosts!

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 01:14:00 -0400

OMG! So I’m sitting here, outside on my deck, enjoying the beautiful October ni, and I decided to give a some photographical progress of my diabolical beard on my Mac, in artic Sepia and I get THESE!

@#$%@#$%@#!

So this ain’t no “real” blog entry. I’m just letting you know what might happen when you take a picture of yourself on a Mac in Sepia. Take heed.

Story developing….

The Corner (Phase 2)

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 03:21:00 -0400

So there’s this shady vacant building on the corner my street at East Linden and Braddock, across from the Yate’s Auto Parts (most expensive gas on the planet) and around the corner from the “world’s sketchiest 7-11” (it’s the crossroads of all Alexandria’s social classes where they buy their Black&Mild’s, Slurpies, under priced Chiken Hog Dogs, etc.) It resembles an old crummy decaying building that someone once decided to paint several coats of white, making it neighborhood friendly, but in actuality, looking like the paint is holding the building together. There are also only a few windows which happen to be tinted black. hmmm….

Most people would be wary of such a lecherous structure, but not me. Because I believe it will be the sight of new my business(es). What’s business(es) you ask? Well, what will it not be, I ask you!(..?) It will be my little shady warehouse of all things Michael Sanders.

First off, in order to keep the legendary Tower (Phase 1) in working process, funds must be raised. The Electric bill has sky rocketed since the Situation Room has gone fully operational.
Someone has to pay for the weekly cleaning and sanitizing of the Ball Room!
Someone has to pay Daft Punk for Playing at my House!
Someone has to pay for the landscaping of the Porch of the Pegasus!
Someone has to fill the fridge with sweet sweet mead in the Pirate Baaaarrr!
It is clear that I must buy, rent, or conquer the white warehouse of unknown solitude that resides on the corner of East Linden and Braddrock, known now as The Corner.

Sub-Phase 1: Rent it, OR Break into it!

For a while there was this big yellow H3 parked outside. Drug house? Whatever! I have the Lord on my side, and it is His will that I march in and conquer any drug, pimp and crack dens that lay in the path of my empire, if need be.
OR I’ll just call up a commercial realtor.

Sub-Phase 2: Set up Shop

I figure most businesses must start small and simple, but where’s the innovation in that?!? Therefore I have decided to start off with 7 separate operations, each on a different day of the week.

Below, is a preview of the signs and descriptions of each daily business.

MONDAYS:

It’s best to start off with what you know and do already (for the most part…) The first logical step is putting an actual roof over an existing business or trade. Now I will be able to work on existing Glorious Graphic projects, have in house design meetings and appointments with clients. The Tattoo Parlor will be the new addition to the company. After always getting,
“Dude, you should do tattoos for real, instead drawing on my arm!” and “Can you draw my a sweet skull eating a sun? I want to get it inked onto my lower back!”, I will be able answer all the questionable questions of body art.

NOTE: There will be no suns, barbwire, tribal designs, Chinese, Cantonese, or any other Asian characters unless going on a customer of Asian descent, tramp stamps, evil clowns, gangster clowns, or sports team icons/numbers/mascots tattooed to anyone at Glorious Graphics and Tattoo Parlor.

TUESDAYS:

On Tuesdays we’ll be taking the time to give back the community. “Hobo Meals for Hobos” will be a tasty alternative to the usual soup kitchens for the homeless and displaced. First off, what is a Hobo Meal? It is a delicious delicacy of seasoned chopped meat, chopped garlic potatoes, carrots, corn, etc., pilled into a heap inside a tin foil pod and then cooked and roasted on a campfire! (or in this case, a barrel fire.) At night it will be opened into a Chipotle styled restaurant.

WEDNESDAYS:

A slightly more “down low” business. “Bird Fight!” puts together different free range trained birds such was roosters pigeons, crows, turkeys, etc. in all out bird on bird combat.

NOTE: All business will be made on ticket sales ALONE. We will not be held responsible for any actions or incidents involving the fatal injury or death of a bird. All birds will sign a death weaver before combat. (…with their BEAKS dipped in INK, that’s HOW!)

THURSDAYS:

Thursdays will be devoted to self defense training while receiving a cardiovascular workout. At “Fist Punch: Celtic Cardio Dojo” you will learn mixed martial arts from such disciplines as Scottish Brute-Do, Orange belt level Hapkido Karate, and “this one thing I learned to do to someone’s arm with a 2 inch pocket knife”. Learn new logical self defense tips like keeping a large rock under your car seat.

NOTE: In addition, spin classes will be offered in the winter.

FRIDAYS:

Ah…my favorite day of business. During the day, The Dance Corner will offer dance lessons by the dance machine himself, Michael Sanders. Learn such moves as the “Jive Turkey”, the “Jumping Jared”, “Crazy Legs”, “It’s almost the Robot”, and much more. Then at night, The Dance Corner turns into a fully operational Night Club. woot woot.

SATURDAYS:

In the vein of Medieval Times and Colonial Williamsburg, I bring you “The Gypsy Town” Bring the family and enjoy the entertainment, with authentic Eastern European Gypsies, spicy/garlicy food, crystal ball readings, Euro-carnies, grifters, juggling, meat on a stick, authentic jewelry making, spin dancing, creepy old people, wild gypsy dogs, dancing sloth bears, pick pocketing orphans and much more fun! While the gypsies will provide all entertainment and vending, the Corner will take a cut of 40% of all profits (Even though I’ll tell the Gypsies 50%….cause I know they’ll try to short hand me regardless.)

SUNDAYS:

Take ride in a Hot Air Balloon around historic Old Town Alexandria and have the best view of all the DC Metro area! (With the optional Bible Study in the Sky.) This is actually a good idea. If only the Airport wasn’t so close…

Well, there you have it. Phase 2 of 12 in the Michael Sanders Empire: Small Commerce. The Dreams will only get bigger… Stay tuned.

Phase 2 coming soon!

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 01:16:48 -0400

Fret not kiddo’s “Phase 2” post is in the works. It will be a doosy.
Until then check out the The Tower (Phase 1) in prep for this scorcher.

Pictures of the Past from the Future?

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 03:02:00 -0400

The other night I had the most peculiar thing happen to me. I woke up to the sound of a strange loud clap from outside the Crow’s Nest. As I approached the door of the deck, it immediately swung open where a man to my equal stood before me. This is what was said:

“Michael! You have to let me in! There isn’t much time!”
“Dad?!?”
“No, I’m not the ghost of your Dad! I am YOU! From the FUTURE!”
“Aaaaaaaaah!”
” Do not be afraid, I have time traveled here on urgent business.”
“Wow! What’s the future like? How many Phases of mine are complete? How’d I get the eye patch? Are my kids in trouble? I’m I still sing–”
“–There isn’t much time to explain these mere queries. [Also, it’s against Time Travel Code Act to tell someone there own destiny that awaits them.]”
“….oh…ok then.”
“You must hear me and hear me clear. I [ or we ] have made the mistake of making an evil clone of ourselves that has time travelled all over the world dating back to before WWII and has been planting his evil clone seed with different women over the span of 40 years!”
“WHAT!? I have evil clone sons that are all older than me?!?”
“Well if you want to get technical, they are your evil clone’s sons, not yours, but yes pretty much.”
“But what does this mean for me?”
“You must find them, my dear self, and then you must destroy them. They are pure evil and are they hold the key to a diabolical plot to end the world.”
“How am I supposed to find them?”
“Take these senior pictures of them; I have included all the information that will help you find them.”

He then gave me a small stack of pictures with information written out on the back of each of them. He stepped out back onto the Crow’s Nest, where there was a loud clap, and like that he was gone.
“Goodbye, my future self!”

It was so strange… but nothing could prepare me for the disturbing senior pictures before me.

I present these to you as evidence of these sons of my evil clone from the future:

Name: Mitch Miles McGiff
Born: 1970 in Quebec, QC, Canada
Picture taken: Spring of 1987
What we know: Mitch Miles McGiff spent most of is young life in between surveying various Northeast American colleges and pledging in various fraternities, which all ended in failure and in out of court settlements. He was last seen working at his uncle’s moose farm in Frenchtown, Maine.

Name: “Miff” Tanner Sanders
Born: 1939 in Lincoln, Nebraska
Picture taken: Fall of 1956
What we know: Miff holds the Jedediah Benson High School record for most terms as Student Council President, winning 5 out of 6 times. In the sixth, he was forced to withdraw from the race after his involvement in aiding the Butter-Crisper Gang in the kidnapping of the Elmersville High School mascot, Elmer the potbelly pig. After High School it is said that he relocated to suburban Texas where he would become a door-to-door salesman selling novelty embroidered toaster covers.

Name: Michael O’Mannell Saunders
Alias: Crazy Old Mick
Born: 1941 in Glasgow, Scotland, UK
Picture taken: Fall of 1974 (faculty picture)
What we know: In the 60s, Mick moved to the states from Scotland and became a high school English teacher in New Jersey. In the 70s he was dubbed “Crazy Old Mick” after throwing a blackboard at a student who called him Irish. He was later diagnosed severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Turrets Syndrome, and Arthritis

Name: Jørgan Hagen I of the Danes
Born: 1948 in Copenhagen, Denmark
Picture taken: Summer of 1964
What we know: Jørgan was born into the Royal Danish Family. After the father was never found out (Evil Clone Michael), it was decided that he would never become the rightful king of Denmark. When old enough, he was shipped off to boarding school in London. After school he returned to Denmark we he promised to overthrow his Danish family and was then locked away out of public eye. He disappeared sometime in the 80s after escaping from a German discotheque fire.

Name: Russ Vleakman
Born: 1959 in Flint, Michigan
Picture taken: Fall or 1976
What we know: Russ was a high school drop out. He had spent most of his early years working on cars and going to roller discos with his black friends. It is assumed that he doing the exact same thing today as he was then, just instead of roller discos, he is going to the local Waffle House.

Name: Micah Suarez
Born: 1966 in Culpepper, Virginia
Picture taken: Winter of 1979
What we know: There are only two things known about Micah; His love for Metal and renaissance fairs

Name: MDJ.- 1.2.3
Born: 1977 in San Diego, California
Picture taken: Summer of 1995
What we know: MDJ.-1.2.3 is an amateur motivational rap artist. He has last been seen selling cassette tapes outside various shopping centers in the greater San Diego area. He has had various parking lot hits, such as “Sleep When Yo Dead”, “Find the Time, not your Nine”, and “Pack Lunches, Not Heat”.

Name: Michael Michaels
Born: 1974 in Columbus, Georgia
Picture taken: Summer of 1993
What we know: Michael Michaels was raised out of a tracker trailer rig for the first 12 years of his life. After completing a family record of 2 and half years of high school, Michaels dropped out and when straight to Firework Stand School to get his associate’s degree in Firework Stand Management. He has spent the last several years smuggling large amounts of illegal fireworks in between state lines.

Name: Mike Saunders
Born: 1983 in Fredericksburg, Virginia
Picture taken: Spring of 2002
What we know: Mike was born on the east coast, but at the age of 15, his parents moved him to Santa Fe, New Mexico. Michael soon found passions for suping Honda Civics, Dave Matthew’s Band, and frosting his hair. Michael was last seen living in Albuquerque, New Mexico working as an account for an insurance company. He is now 300 lb. and drives a Scion.

So those are the “facts” on these elleged evil clone sons. It looks ike I’ll be spending some time finding cheap tickets to Denmark soon. I look forward to meeting these people (although I’ll have to destroy them) or meeting my future self again.

The Troubling Mind of 10 Year Old Michael Sanders... Pt. 2

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 17:44:00 -0400

It’s that time again! That’s right folks, we now continue diving future into the psychy of little 10 year ol’ Michael J.

Again, it was fourth grade in Mrs. Shandler’s class. this time it was Cereal Box designing! “Great! Let’s see what kid of cracked out malice on paper the Sanders kid can crank out.” I do not recall if this was before or after the Hannibal the Cannibal’s Cafe debacle. But Although it was not as troubling as before, it still was creepy and bizarrely creative to say the least.

This is the menu I came up with:

Eat it up folks.

”BAREF OATS! and don’t forget kids, ‘Oats! It’s Smelly, It’s Looksvery Goodit!’”

I must have not been around anyone to ask how to spell the key most important word in the entire project “barf”, at the time. And due to trademark laws, we will just have to stick with “Baref Oaks.”

Also, let’s make sure eveyone is clear that Baref Oats are NOT 100% FAT FREE! They could be at little fat free, or even not at all, we aren’t really that sure. We just don’t want to give the wrong impression of our product. Vagueness is what we want in a child’s diet.

While other brands rely on sugars, nuts, and even dried fruit, we at Baref Oats rely on the only the following ingredients.

Baref Brokly - not to be confused with barfed up broccoli. It’s different!
Baref Bamana - not to confused with barfed up bananas. Also different!
Baref Blue - wait. What? If I ever barf up anything blue, please call poison control.
Molb - I have so many questions about this one I don’t know where to start!
- Is it some sort of type of bacteria that comes from a stomach?
- Did you mean mold?
- How would you not die from this?

Don’t forget to dig out your “Hole Penny” prize at the bottom box when you are done.

And no comment on the floating head with scary yellow animal-esk teeth. Yeesh!

Tune in next time when we unveal the next cereal “Ebola Granola” (that was my in 7th grade year. A monkey dancing with a guy in a hazmat suite was on the cover. Another blog, another day.)

The Tower (phase 1)

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 02:05:00 -0400

Many of you have wondered many things about me. Some of you are wondering how or where does this man come up with such things? And then further along, in your queries, you might be wondering where are the headquarters of such a intriguing man? Where does this man sleep? Does he sleep? Where is he when he’s not outside waging wars on tornadoes and wrestling wild dogs? Well, my folk, I’m here to tell you, that this man does have a home, and does have place to they he’s crazy head. I wont just tell you, I will show you.

For those of you who have not had the absolute pleasure to view my humble living quarters, I present to you, somewhere between myth, fact and/or renovation, my house.

It not just any home, it is fully operational headquarters of Michael Sanders Inc. It is the home of all things I create, dream, and scheme.

I speak the truth, when I tell you this is my house! There are no fabrications here.

I live in a huge fortress of 14 rooms ( and 4 and half baths - not all in picture)

Let me give you a virtual tour

1. The Captain’s Room - My Room. Best in the house. A loft complete with the Alma mater Pirate Flag, 40 pipe collection, 1970’s deluxe entertainment center that was hoisted up to its glory, lava laps, Guitar Hero, brown captain’s recliner with matching brown rug, and with a laminating speckle of 12 overhead dimmer lights for any mood.

2. The Situation Room - To the back of the Captain’s Room lies a command center that rivals any supermarket security room. Fit for any emergency, like floods, storms, invasions, Tornado tracking, and a direct line to an all night Mac support team.

3. The Super Secret Passage - At the back of the situation room lies a secret corridor that is programmed to only hold my weight. Any other weight, light or heavy, will result in falling through the ceiling below, thus owing my landlord a lot of money.

4. The Super Secret Room - The contents of this room are extremely secret. All that can be described are as followed: extra bed, a periscope, a mini fridge and emergency roof top access.

5. The Crow’s Nest - The almighty perch which overlooks into Alexandria and straight at the mysterious Masonic Temple, which I am convinced to be the rival my palace. Equipped with zip line for any speedy exit.

6. The Spine of Odin - No door is worthy of the Captain’s Room! But a furious spiral staircase made from the vertebrae of an ancient pterodactyl! Thus helping the house receive the title of the Tower!

7. Ball Room - No evening gown required here, just some comfortable clothes and a good attitude to enter. Who in there right mind would not want a ball pit in house? EVERYONE, that’s who! For 20 years I have taken one McDonalds’s play pin ball on each visit, finally I have enough to fill the once master bedroom, making it best for R&R or slumber parties

8. The Frou Frou Room - The Pink walled female living quarters. It is a generous room with full walk-in closet and full bathroom. This is the room where my sister resides. Woopty Doo!

9. The Commodore Quarters - This small room off the front of the second floor is just another bedroom in the house. The coolest thing about this room is it’s name. It is were third roommate in the house is now located after being relocated out of the now Ball Room (sorry, H)

10. El Parlór (L-Par-Lor) - Once the door man has greeted you on arrival, be sure indulge in the artwork and have a mint julep a the counter, while you await your host. If you don’t care for mint juleps, there is always a 2 liter of Slice in the mini fridge)

11. The Mighty Dine - The 15th century Gothic dinning room. It is hardly ever used, but for corporate meetings, Risk, Apples to Apples.

12. The Kitchen - Can’t say I spend a lot time in here.

13. The Lion’s Den - The minimalistic room is filled with three couches, TV center, and the skull remains of a slain Minotaur for all to see.

14. The Porch of the Pegasus - Before entering the presence of the Tower, one must climb the 70 plus stars and take heed to the Statue of the Pegasus.

15. Pirate BAAAARRR! - What better place to entertain guests than a swashbuckling pirate bar. Sing songs, tell stories, Song songs about stories….

16. Workshop - Anytime something is in need of a fixin’, drillin’, wrechin’, or carvin’, it will take place here. Also serves a side entrance for bikes, the Pirate BAAAARRR and the notorious Rumpus Room!

17. The Rumpus Room - Converted from the place of a roommate that is never here, the Rumpus Room serves to accommodate any show or an infamous Michael Sanders dance party. Daft Punk will play at my House…

18. Hit the Deck! - The perfect weapon for summer BBQs.

So there you have it. My home. And the best is yet to come. For this is a mere phase 1 of 12 in the epic saga of The Michael Sanders empire.

I feel a big post coming...

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 00:36:10 -0400

To be continued…

The Problem with Cheese

Wed, 28 May 2008 01:38:00 -0400

Why must humans consume rotten milk?
There’s a Cheese & Wine store down the street from my house. It smells like
the insides of a dead baby calf filled with vinegar.

All the world’s with problems go back to cheese!

If cows only knew that once we have slaughtered them, ground them up, cooked them, we then put a thin solid layer of what they feed their young on top of there dead remains, there would an epic cow uprising of Far Side proportions!

Sometimes we give cows a break by eating Goat cheese. But who is anyone kidding? We don’t eat goats!…well not like as use to. (Ah the savory delicacies of goat meat!)

Cheese is a sin! A sweet savory sin! If the heart had one mortal nemesis it would be a block of Wisconsin’s finest Sharp Cheddar. With it’s daggers sharp enough to block the biggest and baddest artery.

“Hey, let’s MELT the cheese! That way, it can get to the center of our ticker even quicker!”

Cheese, you Devil. How I love you so.

But back to goats - If we can milk a goat and make cheese, why don’t we milk anything and everything that has nipples?

Gorilla cheese - the finest dairy cuisine in all of central Africa!
Dog cheese - The Chinese eat them, why don’t we make cheese with them?
Whale cheese - While ol’ Moby is washed up on the western shore, why not strap a milker to its chest and go to town.
Bear Cheese - Good luck with that one! That would take them down a peg or two.
Pig Cheese - We eat every part of them, why not?

This makes me think…human cheese?

Could American cheese possibly be made from human milk? It’s arguably the least favorite cheese out there, but CHILDREN seem to love it!

So there you go - before indulging in your microwaveable cheese pizza, think about what you are getting into!

*Mike Sanders does not dislike cheese in any which way or form. In fact, Mike Sanders loves cheese. He just thinks about these things when wanting to take a three hour nap after this delectable triple cheese burger from Fuddruckers.

**If you are at all enticed by the idea of Human Cheese, perhaps you should check out the Restaurant listed in the blog below, or seek professional care.

The Troubling Mind of 10 Year Old Michael Sanders... Pt. 1

Thu, 22 May 2008 02:35:16 -0400

Hello, my old friend. It has been a long month now, since my last entry. There was a Writer’s Strike in The Mike Sanders Creative Thoughts Emporium, P.O. Box My Brain. I had realized that it would take some sort of time warp to bring back those sweet creative juices that flow so well from my head. It was just over a week ago that I had found some interesting school projects from my fourth grade years in some boxes in my mother’s garage.

I remember this creative piece well…
First off it was 1993 or 1994, I was about 10 years old. In Mrs. Shandler’s fourth grade class, one the students’ creative arts project was to create a restaurant and design it’s menu.

This is the menu I came up with:

oh my Lord.

Yes….read it carefully…. Handburger 99¢, Cheekburger $2.50, Nose Nuggets $1.50, Finger Dog 99¢, Tongue Sandwich $2.00, Blood Pizza $2.50, etc.

I know what you’re thinking…. and know what your questions might be:

(Man, I can’t believe how cheap the food is!) - Nay.

WHY in the world was this kid not shipped off to a special school, full of ADHD kids, safe-guard none sharp objects and feel good puppet shows?

Because I was just creatively “strange”. That, or not crazy enough. I knew this one kid, Gabe, who jumped up onto the desk and threatened to stab the teacher and his mom with a compass.
For the win.

WHO in the world would allow a child to make such a garbage, or not monitor their odd behavior?

My parents, God bless them. One being a preacher, and the other being a teacher, one would think that there would be no way for their child to know what a cannibal was, little less know who Hannibal Lector is. But parents who let their children watch rated R movies supervised, and regularly bought their son MAD Magazines would beg to differ.

WHAT in the world was this child thinking!?

“hmmm….burger joint…..burgers….hamburgers…handburgers?….. Genius!” And the rest was history.I had a creative niche and ran with it.

WHEN in the world, did the parents decide counseling was no longer an needed option fit for their kin?

I can image few red flags went up in my parents head, thinking, “Hey, let’s play this one out, Hun. Let’s see if Michael starts killing bunny rabbits or eating live chickens…If so, then we can get him counseling.”

“Oh dear, I hope you are right.”

WHERE in the world was the teacher’s mind to accept this project?

I don’t know, but if you look at the bottom of the menu you will see the “A” followed by a “Clever”. Eat that!

HOW would one “Eat that?” Or HOW would one order from this café?

Waiter: Hi, Welcome to Hannibal the Cannibal’s Café. I’m Gary, I’ll be your waiter today. Can I start you off with a Blood Shake or a Blood Tea?
Guest A: Yes I think I’ll have a Blood Shake.
Waiter: And You?
Guest B: Ummm, I think I’ll have a Slice.
Waiter: Do you want me to put a little blood in it?
Guest B: Ummm, no thanks.
Guest A: And I think we’re also ready to order?
Waiter: Ok! I’ll start with you: What would you like?
Guest A: I think I’ll have the Tongue Sandwich. And could i get that without pickles?
Waiter: No prob. And you?
Guest B: What kind of cheese do you use on the Blood pizza?
Waiter: Parmingiano - Reggiano
Guest B: Well actually I think I’ll have the Cheeckburger with a side order of Ear Chips.
Waiter: Okay.
Guest A: Oh and can you box up a order Nose Nuggets and an Eyeball Salad to go as well?
Waiter: Sure, Ok your food will be up in 10 to 15 minutes.
Guest A: Thank You.
Guest B: Wow all that food will come to just $9.15!
Guest A: Man we will have to come back here for Lunck every week.
Guest B: It sure pays being a cannibal!

The Future?

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 02:11:00 -0400

Why the crap has the “future” that we were so very excited about, not happened yet? I mean the future that we were supposed to look forward to when we were kids?

I’m talking about Blade Runner and Back to the Future II depictions of the future! Flying cars, and hoverboards! WHERE IS MY HOVERBOARD?! It’s time to get to work people! Back to The Future II’s future takes place is in 2015. That gives us 7 years to get crackin’!

So what was it was about the 1980’s that got everyone so pumped for the future? Was it the Casio or was it laser tag?

If 1985 could talk to or check up on 2008 to see how the future was going how would the conversation go? I have an idea….

The Q & A Transcripts between 1985 and 2008 on the Topic of “The Future”

1985: Wow! I can’t believe I’m talking with 2008! WoOoOoOoWhoo!! USA! USA! USA!
2008: Yes. Thank you. It’s alright. You can sit down now.
1985: Ha! Sorry I’m just so excited!
2008: Oh it’s ok. I understand.
1985: Well as you know I’m 1985 and I’m SOOO excited about the future! So I guess I’ll just go right into the first question. How is SPACE?
2008: ahhh, well it’s fine, still. There are quite a few more satellites orbiting Earth.
1985: Oh cool…wait, you’re not living in space yet?
2008: No, I can’t say we are yet.
1985: ….huh.
2008: But I can say, one can book a space flight months and months in advance for thousands of dollars.
1985: That’s interesting I guess.
2008: Yeah. It’s not really a common thing people do.
1985: Oh. Well…tell me, what are flying cars like?
2008: Sorry, no flying cars have been invented yet.
1985:What! Really?
2008: Yeah. It’s a lot more complex than one would think. Especially with recent oil costs rising to almost $125 a barrel, it would make just as much sense to buy a plane. We Still have those!
1985: …
2008: We have and are making more Hybrid cars, which are cars with half fuel/half electric engines.
1985: Can they hover?
2008: No.
1985: Can anything hover, 2008?
2008:Well, nothing that can be commercially bought.
1985: Well what’s cutting edge?
2008: Well we have Segways
1985: What’s a Segway?
2008: It’s a machine you ride standing that has two wheel on the sides, and handles bars to steer.
1985: So…you’re saying you re-invited the scooter?
2008: It’s not a scooter, it’s a segway! It’s different. You have optimal balance!
1985: Ok, ok. What else is new?
2008: We have a computer that can fit onto a big envelope!
1985: So you can mail computers!?
2008: No— I mean, yes you can, but you don’t. You mail stuff through a computer it’s called “Email.”
1985: That’s nice — But back to flying cars..how long do you think until there are flying cars?
2008: Well honestly, they’re going to have to completely rethink the economic engineering of a new traffic system, and probably they will have discover a creeper more efficient material than oil for them to run on.
1985: …so?
2008: I say another 30 years. From me, not you.
1985: Well, any cool new cultural things or crazy styles?!
2008: Actually no… If you can believe it you are back in style. As in, the 80s are back in style.
1985: .… I am flattered, outraged, and baffled all at the same time!
2008: Yeah it’s kind of embarrassing now, come to think of it…
1985: Any robots or artificial intelligence?
2008: Just a few. There’s this flat one that can vacuum pretty well.
1985: Final Question: Is EPCOT Center still considered to be the “Community of Tomorrow”? Or has it be closed to the public and is now a Utopian future society that secretly harbors a alien robot army in it’s “Starship Earth?”
2008: No to both of those questions. The hype and excitement of EPCOT died swiftly in the early 90’s. It did for the future, what Jefferson Starship did for the music; absolutely nothing.
1985: Hey, I love that band!